Which is the better choice—the husband or the cat?

May 1, 2015 at 5:06 pm (creative writing)
Tags: crafting, humour; yarn; cats; husband & cat comparison; creative non-fiction, pros & cons;

Picture this: I am a weight scale; my arms are stretched out at my sides.

My husband (who right this moment happens to be hypnotized by his computer screen as he watches round after round of YouTube videos instead of changing the furnace filter, which he promised to do three weeks ago) sits in the palm of my left hand.

My adorable ragdoll cat sits in the palm of my right hand, purring and gazing up at me with his big blue watercolour-painting eyes.

As I weigh the pros and cons, the hand holding my husband suddenly drops to my side with all the weight of a mountain boulder. The hand holding my cat has risen to hover like a fluffy cloud above my head. The cat has tipped the scales big time.

Why the cat trumps the husband:

1. The cat will never keep you awake all night with his snoring.
No need to wear earplugs. No need to keep poking him to turn over. No need to mash the pillow over your head until you almost smother yourself. The cat = loads of beauty sleep.

2. The cat eats the same thing every day without complaint.
A bag of Purina cat chow does the trick. You simply pour it into a bowl on the floor. You don’t even have to set the table. Dinner is served in 10 seconds or less and every morsel is consumed gratefully without one word of bitching.

3. The cat will never litter your bedroom floor with dirty clothing.
My husband still does not understand that the l-a-u-n-d-r-y b-a-s-k-e-t was, in fact, manufactured for a specific purpose. Our bedroom always looks like Mark’s Work Warehouse after the bomb exploded. The only time I ever see anything in my husband’s laundry basket is when the cat is in there taking a nap.

4. The cat will never leave the toilet seat up, nor does he sprinkle when he tinkles.
Consider this—If men were trained to use litter boxes we would no longer need separate bathrooms!

5. The cat couldn’t care less how much you spend when you go shopping.
As long as you don’t betray him by buying tiny pet clothing to dress him up in, he will always be ecstatic to see you walk in the door with twenty or more new pairs of shoes.

6. The cat is happy to watch chick flicks all weekend long.
The cat does not care a whit if some old Super Bowl or Stanley Cup or US Open or other game is on TV at the same time that you want to watch a rerun of Sleepless In Seattle. Best of all, his paw can’t hold a remote control so…no need to compromise. Ever.

7. The expression on the cat’s face will not change if you confess that you’ve put a ding in the car.
He doesn’t even know what a car is, so there’s nothing to fear if you accidentally back into a rather large, annoying curb that rips off the underside of the car (which you’ve been forced to leave behind in the mall parking lot).

8. Cats LOVE yarn and they totally want you to buy as much as you want, as often as you want.
The cat will not shake his head when you return home with yet another shopping bag brimming over with sale yarn from Michael’s. Whenever I crochet the cat watches raptly, his eyes glowing with appreciation. He would never ever dream of referring to my projects “dust collectors,” as does a certain other person.

9. The cat is devoid of opinions. Therefore, your way is always the right way.
You can say whatever you want and there’s no response to contend with. No opinions contrary to yours, no arguments, no passive-aggressive sarcasm, not a peep. You are always right, as you should be.

10. The cat would never DARE to ask if you’ve gained weight.
The cat will not give you that look if you so choose to hoover up a mega-size order of nachos and cheese and then chase it with a Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen. He doesn’t care that you can’t do up the top button on your jeans, that you haven’t bothered shaving your legs, that you woke up with hair that looks like Neanderthal man’s, that you’re wearing frayed granny panties. As long as you’ve dumped chow in his bowl on the floor, you are a goddess.

Ok. I have to admit. There are a few pros for the husband:
1. He can be useful for fixing stuff around the house.
2. When the car breaks down, it’s his problem.
3. He mows in the summer and shovels in the winter.
4. He brings a paycheque into the equation.
5. He never licks his ass.
6. You don’t have to have him castrated to keep his hormones in check.

And the cat and the husband are equals in some areas:
1. They both lose their hair on a regular basis.
2. They both despise vacuum cleaners.
3. They both take an awful lot of naps.
4. They both have a bad habit of falling asleep while I’m talking to them.

Stay tuned for my future blog post: Which would you rather live with under one roof for the next twenty-odd years of your precious life—the kids or the cat?